Frozen moment

This is a completely sappy, personal, emotional post, so if that's not your thing, please feel free to skip this and check out the other pages, or come back in a few days for something more rational! 

I am only thirty seven days away from seeing the kids again - and I couldn't be more excited, but in a way it's getting harder as the wait gets shorter, because I can almost taste it. It has been a long and wonderful few months, during which we've made huge progress in our fundraising, and I know we're going to be able to do amazing things for the orphanage when we return. In the meantime, though, I'm struggling with being so far away - and I'm already dreading having to leave them again. 

Some nights when I'm really struggling, I write little scraps of things that Zawadi might read someday, hopefully from the far side of a successful adoption. It actually started during the first few weeks I knew her, when she was very, very sick with pneumonia. They're just moments caught on paper, but I like to think that she might know someday how much I miss her. Missing her so badly usually makes me think of her birth mother - of how much I wish she could see what an incredible child her daughter is becoming. This piece was written about a day just before I left. 

 That day, I paused, rested,

curled up with you on the concrete floor.

Tried to memorize your every feature

the music as you dissolved into giggles.

I held the terrible weight

of knowing I, too, would leave -

as you, blissfully ignorant, diaper clad

nestled your tiny body up to mine

cradled between my knees and heart.

Your mother would have been so proud

Delighted in your chubby thighs,

your curiosity, your smile,

even your reticence,

your armor.

I do.

It's not much of anything, but it helps me to feel connected, to be creating something for her future. I have much more to tell about fundraising progress, the holidays, mamas, the skydive, nappies, and slings - but tonight all I could think about was how much I missed my girl, and so that's what I had to write about! Come back in a few days and I'll have something more substantial and less personal up here, I promise!