Temporary replacement baby

I did a silly thing and came all the way down to the internet cafe to write this post and forgot my camera, with accompanying videos and pictures from recent days, at my house. Sorry about that! Next time. For now you're stuck with my words, no cute babies, and who wants that?

Ok, I will compromise a LITTLE and post one cute baby photo - everyone get excited, because my gorgeous nephew Jamie is now officially three months old! If he and his brother only knew the truckload of African goodies coming their way... Maybe he does, and that's the reason for that beaming smile!

Now, to business. My roommate has returned from Zanzibar, so I'm no longer living like a hermit, which is lovely. I have developed an intensely painful sore throat that appears to be just an unpleasant viral infection, which makes it difficult to talk and/or swallow - it's certainly not the end of the world for me to be cutting back on EITHER of those things for a few days, though!

Meanwhile, I'm prepping for the arrival of my lovely parents, and the multiple suitcaseloads of donations from you lovely people and other doctors in CT. Unfortunately, due to Amazon's wish list settings, I can't actually see WHO has purchased all of these items - so I'd like to thank my wonderful aunts Susie and Rita, family friends Priscilla Jencks, Rick and Anne Calvert, and my struggling recent grad and STILL generous friend, Meghan Sellars. Others have donated physical supplies - the Bolinsky/Harris family, the Sack family, and others. I know there are many more of you who have contributed, and I would really like to acknowledge you, so drop me an email or leave a comment to let me know!

Things at the orphanage are going really well - the garden is half planted and the daily rain (not bad, about an hour a day) means that I get to be lazy and not water it and it grows anyway! The kids are beautiful and happy, and I have many pictures to document that, but as I mentioned, I'm an idiot and forgot them. The chickens and chicks are doing well, although the prodigal 15th chick has not returned - still, 14 out of 16 isn't bad. For chicks, that is, not babies. I feel strongly that our success ratio for babies should be higher than that. So far, so good.

Pretty much everything else I want to say requires photo documentation, so I think I will quit while I'm ahead today. Lots and lots of love from TZ.

One in, one out

Ok world! Here goes the last week. First of all, Sir Simoni has made a spectacular recovery, thankfully, and seems to be none the worse for wear since his hospital detention - indeed, he  is thrilled to get to help with the chickens all week, even though he kind of misses having all the attention to himself. However, hands down my favorite part of his return was watching the school kids - up to twice his age - running ecstatically inside upon hearing that he had returned, thrilled to bits to see him after a few days with him being away. They may not have much else, but there is a LOT of love in that orphanage. 

Also currently a lot of newly donated toys, which the kids have already set to tearing apart with their characteristic enthusiasm. In the meantime, it provides some excellent photo opportunities.

Farajah and her daughter Farajah, Underwater-pilot-bear Dianess, and Simoni scratching his head

"If I SAY it's a hat, it's a HAT. Silly mzungu." -Zawa

In other positive news, Joyce has officially gone home with her new family! Although this is hard for Emily to take, since she is hopelessly and utterly in love with Joyce, we are all truly happy for the new family. Now we keep our fingers crossed that Grace will be joining them soon as big sister!

Her first surrogate mama, Emily

The new nuclear family

Mama and slightly concerned looking baby

Everything else is going well - one chick has either struck out on its own or become dog food, it is hard to tell at this point which - we will keep his perch warm for a few more days, at least. My parents' planning is going fabulously well, and we have been blessed with so many generous contributors, both directly and through the wish list. Thank you, thank you, thank you all.

I've been struggling emotionally a little lately, mostly having read too much African recent history and corruption exposes - and facing up to the corruption that is, despite everything, part of the system even here. I know I am judging through my Western, taking-infrastructure-and-accountability-for-granted lens, but it hurts that so much that COULD be helping the most vulnerable instead ends up padding the pockets of mid- to high-level administrators who, out of everyone, need it the least. Look, no one here is making a comparable wage to the US - but it frustrates me that so much corruption is among the people who are doing comparatively well, who could afford to be honest, but choose not to. Of course, maybe it's just that they are the only ones with the opportunity. 

Despite that, there are a lot of people doing a lot of really good work, and I don't want to sound like I'm dismissing that at all. I'm just tired, and already missing the kids, and spiraling a little into self doubt, which is NOT the most effective way to spend my last month here. So it's going to stop. Now.

And that's all I have to say about that for today. Focus on the baby love, and the incredible work of the mamas, and all the people who have donated. Thank you for allowing me to believe in human decency.

Simoni, Simoni, cheesy macaroni

So yesterday was a pretty good day, until the end. My little man Simoni, composer and performer of the Emily song, had seemed fine all day, but suffered a seizure around 6pm, just before I was meant to be heading home for the night. We rushed him to the hospital (THIS is why it's great to be 200 meters away), where they discovered he had suddenly developed a very high fever, which later came back as malarial. This was actually a relief, given his mother's drug use during pregnancy, his history of meningitis, and his troubles walking - we were worried it was symptomatic of a more serious underlying neurological problem. As it is, it appears to have been brought on by the fever, and hopefully is not indicative of epilepsy, although we will of course keep a close eye on him. He has been very, very brave through what is a very scary experience for a three year ol - possibly even worse when another child was wheeled in, screaming and bleeding, after a motorcycle accident - a frequent form of transportation here because it's cheaper than taxis. That kid also appears to be ok, superficial head injuries, although again they are keeping a close eye. 

Listening to music while he's on the drip

Balancing what is, according to him, a bucket of water on his head, "like the mamas do"

After much effort, I got a laugh with the "Simoni, Simoni, cheesy macaroni" song. Success!

 The doctors predict he will be fine, although he will be in the hospital for a few days so they can keep a close eye on him and continue to administer IV fluids and medication, which he is NOT thrilled about. He is very upset that he can't come back to the orphanage and help with the chickens, so I promised him he can help every day for a week when he gets out of the hospital! Simple pleasures are the best pleasures.

Thank you to those who have already stepped up - if you want to help us keep better track of the kids' health and the hospital to be better prepared to help, please consider the wish list.

Africa hates me and wants me to go home.

Yes, yes, I'm sick AGAIN. This time my stomach is rebelling against... something. So no Zanzibar for me, as a ten hour bus ride does not go well with multiple bathroom trips per hour. And that is all I have to say about THAT.

Things are coming along wonderfully for my parents' upcoming trip, but there are still some items that would be really useful to have. I've made an Amazon Wish List, maybe you would consider taking a look and seeing if there is something within your price range there! A blender for the orphanage, $6 sets of pen lights for the hospital, stethoscopes, thermometers, etc.

Not too much else to report here, I've been mostly in bed with Paka. Lots of rain. Eh.

You can't stop me, Africa, you're stuck with me for five more weeks. DEAL.

Spiderbaby, spiderbaby, does whatever a spiderbaby does...

From a wiggle-worm to a spiderbaby in five short months

Also - darn kids got bubble gum all over their hair, ears, and forehead, and peanut butter failed to alleviate the problem. I don't know whether it's the Tanzanian bubble gum or the natural peanut butter, but Stevie and Ericki will be walking around with pink heads and ears for a few more days. I'd be lying if I said I don't think it's hysterical, but Stevie is not. happy.

Remorseful and pissed

Not even a little bit sorry. Kind of likes the peanut butter process.

 Other than that, things are pretty calm, albeit in a things-are-always-insane-so-slightly-less-insane-seems-downright-peaceful kind of way. I'm taking a mental health break and going on a super low budget trip back to Zanzibar for a week, which is leaving me deeply conflicted - I really want to spend all of my last five weeks with the kids, but I also recognize that being there every day and then leaving suddenly is probably the most traumatic possible method. I'm hoping that the week away will give the kids a chance to disconnect a tiny bit, and, I might as well be honest, reassure me that yes, they will survive without me. I'm pathetic. But I'm going to miss them so stinking much.

How could you not?

And then a carnivorous monkey leapt through my window and attacked my cat

Ok, before I get into all kinds of medical supply information and updates on the kids, breaking news: at ten o'clock last night, what I assume to be a monkey because there are no other reasonable candidates LEAPT through the bars in the window (4 inches by one and half feet, maybe?), aggressively attacked Paka and ripped out large patches of fur, leaving no scratches but huge dirty streaks through her fur like really dirty hands had been, well, ripping it out. I heard horrible yowling from the next room, opened the door expecting to see another cat, instead saw a flash of white as Paka STREAKED past me into my room and a flash of brown/black fur as something else leapt out the window. Poor Paka took me ten minutes to find, in my own room while I was calling her name, because she was so freaked out she was cowering behind a curtain. Obviously I spent most of last night comforting her and/or rolling over on her in my sleep. Poor Paka. She seems a little better today but still pretty jumpy, and I can't say I blame her. The moral of the story is, a carnivorous monkey leapt through my window and attacked my cat. At one point last night I suspected accidental LSD ingestion, but the fur tufts remained in the morning as evidence that I didn't hallucinate the whole episode. Just when I think I can handle whatever this country wants to throw at me, THIS happens. What the hell, Africa?

Ok, onward and upward.Good news on the medical supplies front: A huge shipment that had been held in Tanga for about six months finally arrived from Global Health Ministries in the US, which included quite a few items on the list. So the updated list looks like this:

Medical Supplies

Used laptops of any description or vintage (Thanks to those who have already offered, we can still use more!)

Stethoscopes, preferably Litmanns 

Forehead or ear infrared thermometers that take AA or AAA batteries

Children's vitamins with iron and Vitamin D (Taken care of!)

Medications - particularly diabetes, hypertension, and antibiotics

Braces, particularly ankle and knee (thanks Dory and others!)

Microscope (thank you!)

Colorimeter

Glucometer and other diabetic testing supplies

Field stain

Water bath machine

D/C kit

Lab tiles for blood typing and Widal tests (glass tiles with six circles)

Urine test containers (pref plastic)

The reason it is crucial for the hospital to have good facilities was brought home hard this past week, as literally over 50% of the orphanage has had fevers, coughs, and others symptoms that have primarily turned out to be malaria. Poor baby Frankie was so bad he was in the hospital for two days - he is out now, but still has to go to the hospital every 6 hours for injections of antimalarials, since the oral medication apparently wasn't strong enough with his bitty immune system. It was really tough for me to visit him without thinking constantly of Reziki, who was the last kid I saw in the hospital - three hours before he passed away. Thankfully, Frankie is doing much better, and hopefully he will be back to his normal smiley self in a few days.

IV pole to the right

Meanwhile we've had a rash of an even more serious medical condition - spontaneous male child pregnancy. Yes, a whole flock of our babies have decided that the time is right to become fathers, despite our pleading with them to wait until they hit puberty. Alas, all for naught.

The proud father

Andrea and his daughter, Mama Jacob. A grandparent already!

Meanwhile, Zawadi has taken a leap in the direction of healthy toddlerhood, and I couldn't be prouder. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting.... drumroll please... Z's first thigh roll!

Thunder thighs ahead!

I know it sounds silly, but she was so incredibly tiny when I arrived - look at some of the videos here - and I'm thrilled.

Ok, that's it for the important stuff - now here's your daily dose of obscenely adorable.

Baracka the Cirque du Soleil clown

Aaaand my favorite picture of all time. PS: Maureen, you're a girl. Sorry.

The Emily Song and so forth

So the past week has been... full? Always busy at work, of course - especially with a new baby, Joyce, who made me realize how BIG our last "new baby" has gotten. Ebenezer seems to have doubled in size, comparatively, overnight - and thinking about how little he used to be of course makes me think of Reziki, who came in at the same time. Still, I'm able to mostly be thrilled with Ebenezer thriving and not be dragged down too much by the comparison. And Joyce is ridiculously gorgeous, just a beautiful, beautiful kid.

This is a PG-13 blog, I'm assuming you can handle the lack of a modesty patch

Bethan has fully moved in, and we've been tackling lots of little projects - got the chalkboards done for the mamas and for the school, etc. Her focus is going to be on trying to get a filtration system in for the water, I think - a really important but manageable sized project that will save a ton of money and time spent boiling water every day, or worse, not boiling it and having the kids either end up dehydrated or be given untreated water by mamas who don't feel like doing their jobs (pet peeve much?)

Bethan looks like a model in the front, the others are various other wonderful volunteers

The other girls from Bethan's group have started working almost every day, which is really nice - and the kids adore them and have started really bonding. My particular favorite manifestation of this is in the "Emily" song, as recited below by Simoni.

I'm a little offended there's no Bekka song, but I'll take him coming out of his shell. Totally worth it. Today in addition to the extra volunteers, a man came by who is looking into adopting from one of the local orphanages with his wife - both work at the Rwanda tribunal, I believe. They had the very disheartening experience of falling in love with twins at another orphanage, only to have the father refuse to give permission for adoption, despite his complete lack of contact for the last three years - oh wait, no, he visited TWICE, clearly a very involved parent. Anyway, their loss will be the gain for one (or more) lucky kids. It made me realize that as much as I want Z to be mine, I'd be happy as long as she was with a loving family - anyway, they're probably looking for a baby, so we'll see what happens. As you can probably tell, I'm a little attached. Thanks so much for the comment on the last post, Marie, it helped a lot to hear from someone else who has been in a similar position.

As for medical supplies, things are slowly but steadily trickling in. So far we have a microscope and a few computers, as well as a source for vitamins. It looks like we're going to have to make retail purchases for thermometers, and we may not be able to help at all with blood pressure cuffs, etc, unless someone steps forward. Financial donations, as always, would be a huge help and make a big difference for the kids. On a related note, the kids have an unhealthy obsession, I don't know why, with Bob the Builder - apparently he transcends all physical and political barriers. All they have is one DVD and it's stuck in French. Don't ask me. Anyway, if anyone has additional BTB DVDs or hard plastic toys, it would be greatly appreciated - and I'll send you video of the kids singing the BTB song, BONUS! It's truly adorable.

That's all for now - family, friends, are you still out there? I haven't heard from most of you in a while, pretend you care what's going on and send me a darn comment or an email.

Struggling, self-indulgent, and sick.

So my malaria is ebbing, thankfully, and I'm moderately functional again. Lately things have been really rough - for various reasons. I'm thrilled to have gotten into LSE, and I am theoretically excited to go. I miss my family desperately, and am really looking forward to seeing them in five weeks. But every moment that I move closer to these things that I've worked for, I move farther away from my actual, on the ground work here. I have to sacrifice my day to day work, my connections with these kids, in the hope that this training will make me more capable in the long term. That makes sense, it's reasonable, but reasonable has absolutely nothing to do with how I feel right now. I am being shredded every day, when I walk on to the lawn and get tackled by a flock of kids screaming my name, when Zawadi cries and I'm the only one who can comfort her, when she giggles and says my name, when they tell me she calls for me when I'm not there. I. am. shredded.

We've been having managerial struggles - first getting the hospital to agree to weekly preventative care visits, which they did grudgingly and I strongly suspect they will stop after I leave. Some of the mamas... we've taking big steps with hygiene and nutrition, and then I will walk in in the evening and find eight kids eating from the same spoon, again, and kids begging for water and not getting it, an eight month old falling and hitting his head on concrete and being left to cry for fifteen minutes until the woman working can be bothered to get up and see why he's upset.

These problems are fixable, with money - with a few thousand dollars a year to hire a staff manager and another one or two thousand to hire more everyday staff, especially on the night shift. But I don't have it, and the idea of spending tens of thousands of dollars on graduate school, and living in London, and, I don't know, my life the way it was? just makes me nauseous. If I were staying in the US, at least I know I could register as a nonprofit and transform my metalwork business into a vehicle to fundraise for the orphanage, as I was planning to. Getting accepted when I wasn't expecting to has thrown a slight wrench in these plans. And now I sound like a whiny idiot, because of course it's a huge honor and why the hell did I apply if I didn't want to get in? But look.

This is the first time she had ever been inside a residential house. In her life. I don't want it to be the last.

 

Even if I spent my two years at LSE, happened to meet the love of my life, moved back to Tanzania and lived here for three years, got married and adopted her, Z would be school aged by the time she was finally mine, even in the EXTREMELY unlikely scenario laid out above. It's not about changing my work - it's about feeling like I'm sacrificing these kids' futures in exchange for the possibility that I could help some other kids more down the line. And rationality be damned, I'm not sure I can do that, and I'm not sure I have any other choice.

Digest in peace, Yosemite Sam

Silly me, taunting the obviously vengeful Tanzanian illness gods (who I've taken to picturing as a cabal of supersized, evil  mosquitos, rubbing their front legs together ala Mr. Burns from the Simpsons) with talk of a functioning immune system. At least I'm out of bed for the first time in several days, and I EVEN made it down the hill all the way to the nearest town! When people said I'd start to appreciate the simple things from living in Africa, didn't know QUITE how right they were. Three cheers for occasional wins in daily battles with parasites!

I did, however, have an eventful few days while enclosed in my house alone. I have a friend moving in to the house tomorrow, so I had given her the spare main key and the only copy of the padlock key, thinking that surely I had the mental capacity to remember not to padlock the door that particular night. Except it turns out I have the memory capacity of a goldfish, and I promptly locked myself in. Given that every window in the house is thoroughly barred with steel girders JUST wide enough to let Paka in and out (did I mention I acquired a cat?), the malaria hadn't left me QUITE emaciated enough to make it through. Even more impressively, Jeremiah, the hospital secretary, came by with the treasurer to look over the repairs made to the house  - and I had to explain through a window why I would truly love to let them in, but was a touch indisposed. It's a wonder that they leave children in my care. 

Stupid cat, taunting me with her lithe figure and ability to leave at will.

On to news. First and foremost, thank you Patty for asking, YES Macs and PCs are equally in demand here - frankly, even the clunker you bought ten years ago and has been collecting dust ever since is going to be a massive technological leap over here. Did I mention they have four computers? In the whole hospital? Yeah. Please let us pass on your junk to a hospital that can really use it.

Additionally, I may have mentioned in the past how Tweety's coming out as a rooster put a slight crimp in the plans to house him with Yosemite Sam, the large red guy who had been ruling the roost (tee hee). Well, the day finally came - Tweety has begun to do his roosterly duties, and he and Sam were drawing blood on a daily basis - it was time to make a move. Although first let me detour briefly to have you imagine sitting with a group of three to six year olds as they witness a rooster chase down a particularly recalcitrant hen, and trying to explain - in broken Swahili, no less - that they're not fighting, he just wants to kiss her. Er. Not the kind situation you can tell them to ask their moms about! At any rate, it was time for Sam to go. While I made it clear to the mamas that I didn't wish to be present for the actual dispatching, I neglected to clarify that I didn't think it was a particularly wonderful idea to do it in the middle of the kid's playground, within full view of all the windows, while the kids piled up to peer out at the proceedings. Or, you know, that it might be a good idea to NOT LEAVE THE HEAD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAYGROUND when you took the body inside to pluck and prepare. At any rate, lesson learned, more specific instruction is clearly necessary here. Sigh. However, I'm told he was quite delicious, and certainly provided much needed protein to my babies. So there's that. Also I'm informed it's a tad unconventional to name each chicken, and perhaps that might soften to blow next time. But I've already got my names plotted out for the upcoming chicks, so forget that. 

Your sacrifice was not in vain, Sam. I salute you.

Speaking of the kids, we have a new baby - two weeks old - named Joyce, and she is truly gorgeous, although pretty sick right now with a fever and an eye infection, keep your fingers crossed for her.Apparently  her mother is alive but mentally incapable of caring for her - not uncommon, it is also the case with at least one other child in the orphanage now, but still very sad, especially as mental health services and medication are so sorely lacking. I'm sure with better access to care many women in this situation would not be faced with the agonizing choice of giving up their child - or having them taken from them. As it is, we'll do the best we can for the little scrap - and she is a sweetheart. 

Bitty baby

As for the older kids, they've been a whirlwind of activity lately - Z and the others are experimenting with different careers, clearly under my influence (cough cough). Neema is done being sick and is back to being a big squishy ball of giggles, which is pure pleasure.

Budding artists?

A doctor like her semi-adopted grandfather?

Erm, facial contortionist?

Some things have been rough, though. Both Peter and two volunteers who have been here for the last three months, Trine and Annette, have departed in the last week, necessitating some difficult conversations with the kids, especially the older ones. "Bekka, are you going on an airplane too? Are you coming back? Is everyone leaving? When are you leaving?" I've tried to be honest and reassuring at the same time, but it's really difficult to look into their eyes and tell them that yes, in a few months you'll be hopping on an airplane too, without them. Shred your heart into teeny tiny pieces difficult, and for now I'm just talking about it. Blurgh.

In the meantime, I'm focusing on getting rid of the darn parasite, helping Bethan move in, and giving the kids as many cuddles as possible - AND, most importantly of all, trying to improve the infrastructure, both of the orphanage and the hospital, in a way that will be sustainable even after I leave. That means vitamins (my father has been able to track down a supplier who will give us a year's worth for approximately $150), continuing work on the garden, getting those laptops, and working to fill out those lists of medical supplies. If you'd like to contribute but aren't medically inclined yourself, please consider a financial donation - we're buying direct from suppliers whenever possible to get the most mileage out of the little funds that are available.

Thank you thank you, as always, for reading and for caring about me and the kids.

Malaria again

Hi, folks -- this is Bekka's mom letting you know that she has contracted yet another round of malaria and will be out of commission for a few more days. She has a gastrointestinal version that makes it hard to go out for any length of time, but she is on a round of medication that should tackle it soon. We all hope she'll be up again in no time! She asks me to post teasers about Yosemite Sam's demise, the ongoing water saga, and a talent for locking herself in her own house. And, of course, updates on all the kids.