I am trying very hard to enjoy being here - in England, with my wonderful family, in my life - and to relax enough to write more about the last few weeks with the kids and about what comes next. And I will get there. But tonight my heart just hurts. It's very hard feeling like you are speaking another language than everyone around you - that they don't and can't see the world the way you will never be able to un-see it, from the bottom up. I've told a few family members that I want to go back to adopt Z, and they indulge what they see as my naivete, as a kindness. I was told today, repeatedly, with forgiving smiles, that biological children are just DIFFERENT from adopted children, I'll understand one day, of course I'll want to have children of my OWN. What woman wouldn't? And, as I was told before, why adopt Z when if I get married, later, my husband could never really love her the way a father would?
Ouch. I feel bruised on every layer, all over, all the way down. And every photograph feels like poking that bruise, and yet I can't stop. The photos are the only thing reminding me I'm not crazy, that I love and am loved, that there is a world beyond the tidy hedgerows.
Two more years of this?
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| I miss you every day, little girl |
Bekka,
ReplyDeleteI'd say that I know you pretty well and if there is anything I am sure about, it's the fact that you are one of the most loving and sincere people I know. I have a few adopted cousins and they are loved just as much (if not more than) any children I can imagine. Since you understand that on the deepest level, that's why you would be an amazing adopted parent. And for that matter, any man lucky enough to marry you would of course love an adopted child as if it was his "own" because YOU would only be with a man who was capable of that kind of love. Any man who cared more about replicating his DNA than the life of a child who has already been born is NOT husband material. And if you do have biological children (the phrase "children of your OWN" is totally patronizing and irrtating) you will love them dearly because you have a big heart. Those well-meaning but narrow minded critics can put THAT in their pipe and smoke it. Amen.
Remember, our earlier agreement (you know what I'm talking about, *sly wink) is still an option! I can't wait to see you again, I've missed you and your jokes and your crazy so much!
Meg