Pre-departure

So I figured since my internet access will be sporadic at best once I arrive in Tanzania, I'd start this whole chronicling nonsense now and get some of the logistics out of the way. As an introduction, I would love for any family, friends, strangers, whatever to read this, but be aware: I will probably vent, and I will certainly swear, although I'll do my best to do both as judiciously as possible - thoughtfully, as Tim Gunn would say. I'm heading to Tanzania for four months, and I'll be living the village of Usa River, working with the Tamiha foundation's Lukundane women's group. My primary goal is to develop a jewelry track as an additional option for girls enrolled in Tamiha's vocational school, which helps girls who finished primary school but are unable to afford secondary education, to acquire marketable skills. Currently, they offer sewing, cooking, tourism, and computers, so this would either be full fifth program (in an ideal world) or be a supplementary option.

In no particular order, here are the things I'm excited about today.

• Seeing my amazing European family, who have been kind enough to allow me to impose on their hospitality on the way to and from Tanzania. These people are brilliant, successful, creative, functional, AND they have to be nice to me because I'm related to them. It probably helps that they can talk shit about me in German or just really strong British slang and such right in front of my face and I stand there grinning like the dumb American I am. That said, I'm hoping Rosetta Stone will eventually teach me to swear in Swahili so I have something to offer in return.

• At my Miss Porter's reunion I met an incredible woman named India Howell who basically is everything I want to be when I grow up and runs the Tanzanian Children's Fund. I've essentially shamelessly thrown myself in the general direction of her feet, and she has very kindly and CLEARLY without knowing what she's getting herself into offered to have me visit when I'm in the country and talk to me about the pros and cons of doing this kind of work long term.

• The incredible people at the Conteni company have donated some tools and supplies for the jewelry program for me to bring. There's a care package on its way and I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning (albeit a Jewish-atheist kid, but who doesn't love Santa?). Also, Rio Grande, another company I've worked with for years, will be getting back to me on Monday about possibly donating as well. Seriously, it is the world's best feeling to throw something out into the world, not really expecting a response, and being overwhelmed by people's kindness and generosity. If any of you for any reason require jewelry or metalsmithing tools or materials of any description, buy them from Contenti. Even if you don't, go buy something or write them a nice letter or something. DO IT. 

• Safari. Baby elephant. Awkward giraffe awesomeness. Ngorongoro motherfreaking crater and Olduvai gorge, TO WHICH I WILL BE WEARING MY I LOVE LUCY SHIRT, at which point the universe might actually IMPLODE with the force of the geekdom. Need I say more? 

• Babies. This is the actual Tamiha orphanage. My heart is melting and I want to eat their chubby little faces already.

In no particular order, here are the things I'm terrified of.

• I'm not the world's most easygoing person (pause for everyone who's ever met me to guffaw). Part of the purpose of this trip is to try to force myself to slow the hell down, since I'm really, really bad at that and it's a skill I'd like to acquire so as to not die of a heart attack at age 27. 
• I'm sarcastic, and kind of prickly, and tough, and I like all of those things about myself, but I'm not sure how they're going to go down in a conservative, traditional culture. It's going to require a lot more self-censorship than I'm used to - I tend to lack any sort of verbal filter - and I'm hoping to not offend every single person I come across who understands English. That would be preferable. 

• It's been kind of a lonely summer. I have great friends from college, who've scattered and gotten insanely stressful jobs and who I miss. I ended what was one of the most functional and adult relationships I've ever had in order to hop across the globe. Even before leaving, I've found myself ignoring the phone calls of people I love and want to talk to because it's easier to begin disconnecting now, so it won't be so tough when I leave. Not sure this is a healthy tendency, not sure how it's going to work out in the next few months. 

• I have insanely high expectations of myself, and essentially no armor around my pathetic bleeding heart, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life doing as effective, sustainable, deep work as possible with people who are suffering - and at the same time, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will shred myself into teeny tiny pieces if I can't learn to shield a little, to not be destroyed by the knowledge that there are problems I can't fix. I want to go to graduate school for nonprofit management at some point in the next few years, and I need to know that I'm capable of doing the kind of work that will make my life worthwhile before I spend another several years and several hundred thousand dollars to make it happen. And if I can't do this, then I have no earthly idea how I'm going to fill up my days without feeling like a total and utter failure. Also probably not totally healthy. 

• On a purely practical note, I suck at objects, and despite quite a bit of world-travel-adventuring, it's really just a matter of time until I have serious money/passport/ticket/computer/illness issues. I'm really talented. I once lost my keys in the fridge for two weeks. I've been known to walk directly into doors and walls, I'm constantly covered in bruises of unknown origin, I once lost my passport in the airport between check in and baggage drop. I haven't seen the floor of my bedroom in years, with the exception of a 48 hour window around each move. I've got mad disorganizational skillz. 

That said, I think I have something to offer, that I've found myself a framework that will make the situation livable and the goals manageable, and I'm excited to be surrounded by deeply passionate people.  I'm hoping that I can channel most of my massive quantities of anxiety and dysfunction in the general direction of this here electronic journal, and thereby avoid terrible offense/utter disintegration, and (bonus!) keep my mother assured that I'm still alive. So that's good.

Things I still very much need to do:

• Pack
• Take the GREs (nervous laughter?)
• Send my books out
• Find a store to leave with my jewelry
• Write an application for London School of Economics
• Restructure my psyche entirely for an east African experience

Just a few minor details. Could be worse?